i can’t hear you
they say “well at least you guys didn’t get married” or let it get that far…”can you imagine how awful it would have been if you had kids?”
and i cry inside, deep sobs—and it takes every ounce of strength that i have to keep it together and nod sadly, but deeply in agreement.
when i’m alone and i hear these words ringing, echoing in my thoughts, i just let the tears flow…no one to see my shame, my hypocrisy? i am not sure how to feel about it really.
so why do i cry?
i’m not sure why i am so conflicted.
i mean, rationally—it makes sense that we break up, end this dying relationship. if you wrote our story from an objective point of view, you would see that we were very incompatible people. i’m the type a and he’s the free spirit. i hated everything about him, but i was also so madly in love with him at the same time…and i craved his attention, his affections, his love for me.
he was, and probably is, the love of my life. i honestly thought we were going to make it, that we would grow old together…tell our children about our costly mistakes growing up and give them an even better life together. i even had dreams where our dogs and cats grow up with our kids.
we had been through so much together, through a lot of bad times and a lot of good times. he had seen me at my worst, at my ugliest, at my cruelest…and he still told me he loved me and didn’t want to be with anyone but me.
i think that’s why it was partially so hard to see that we just weren’t right for each other. his devotion to me, i took for granted. i knew deep down inside that no matter what happened, he would keep us together because he never gives up—something that i all too easily do.
everyone that knew us as a couple thought we were perfect for each other. they put us on a pedestal and wanted our relationship. i knew we were wrong for each other but i liked that other people envied us. i think it’s also the immature girl in me that eventually doomed my relationship. the immature girl wants things she doesn’t need.
but who doesn’t want to be loved? does being in love matter? can one person bear the weight of a deeply troubled relationship?
i guess not. and i guess that is why he has finally given up on me.
and i think that is why i cry. knowing that we don’t have a future doesn’t really quite break my heart, but it is knowing that the one who has always forgiven me for all my immaturity, for all of my stupidity, for all of my hypocrisy, for all of my bullshit has finally decided that his love alone can’t endure/tolerate it anymore…that is what has finally broken my heart and has brought me to break down emotionally.
i know he is the love of my life and i am the fuck-up who can’t and won’t do anything to admit that i drove him…drove us to the end of what could be great.
i am destined to be alone.